Southern Swill: Dispatches from the Forgotten British Sector (Issue 4)

Colonel Corviday Sick as a Dog

A base in the south, Iraq     LTC Corbin Corviday spent a couple of nights in the Brit Mil hospital last week, checking in with a fever of 105 F. He became seriously ill after spending five days running around Maysan with a bunch of Brit soldiers in the rain eating one MRE a day and carrying nothing more than a slingshot and binoculars.

 Friends spent hours wondering aloud about the source of his impressive fever and LTC Corviday’s dangerous delirium. Theories as to the cause of his illness included food poisoning, stress, or the result of widespread mysterious biological contamination of air and soil throughout the province of Maysan.

 “None of those things had anything to do with it,” Corviday told reporters. “It wasn’t the food – MRE’s are baked by little elves in a hollow tree that’s been inspected closely by the FDA, the FFA, and the USDA. They’re packed with healthy calories, and are industrially sealed against contamination. And it wasn’t the stress,” he went on after sighing deeply. “I regularly take on LTC Slasher in meetings, which is far more stressful than putting up with a few Brit troops and their silly accents for a few days. Running around in an unarmored vehicle with nothing more to protect myself than a slingshot – I can’t say that’s particularly stressful either: I deal with MSG Bobnoxious (MAO Con Rep) on a daily basis without any armor.”

 “As for the biological contamination theory,” the Colonel added, “the whole of Iraq is a toxic waste dump and it hasn’t made me sick yet.” He pointed to the sky, thick with smog from the gas line fires, and at a pile of garbage next to the road right on base. “In any case,” Corviday added, “if biological contamination were the cause, the Brit Mil hospital would have finished me off.”

 LTC Corviday told reporters that the hospital was the most disgusting place he’s been in Iraq. Keeping in mind that Corviday administers the contract for the Iraqi Army Barracks project near Al Amarrah, the statement is a strong one.

In the Brit Mil hospital, Corviday was assigned to a ward of patients with gastronomic illesses – “the pukers and shitters” – and the bathrooms were predictably foul.

 “I just about passed out when I walked in there,” he admitted. “And the whole place, bathrooms and even the ward itself, didn’t see a mop the whole two and a half days I was in there.”

 Backing up a few steps, reporters asked if the doctors thought Corviday’s illness was contagious.

 “I hope so,” the Colonel answered, sighing deeply. “I hope I can just rub up against some people and make them sick as dogs. That would give me a real sense of power and accomplishment, to have that kind of influence on people. Besides,” he admitted, “if that were the case, maybe they would send me home.”

 Asked how much longer his tour of duty is in Iraq, LTC Corviday sighed deeply again, thought for a long moment, and said rather wistfully, “Not long, I guess. Ten months and a wake up.”

 Corviday sighed deeply yet again. Twice. “I was almost there,” he said dejectedly. “I was awfully sick.”

 He brightened a bit. “There are mice over there in the hospital,” he said thoughtfully. “We watched them run around in the staff break room. Where there are mice, there may be hanta virus ….”

 Friends are keeping a close eye on Corviday now, nervous that he might check himself back into the hospital in an effort to become sick enough to be sent home, jeopardizing the mental health of Anna Lee (BAO Admin Asst) and Seren Seren (BS Resident Office Resident Engineer/Project Engineer/Construction Rep/COR) and, subsequently, everyone who comes in contact with them. ◙


 Anonymous Person Completely Pissed Off Over Southern Swill

 BAT Camp, Iraq     An anonymous person was seriously pissed off by an article published in an unidentified past issue of the Southern Sweill.

 “[censored],” the anonymous person stated. “[censored]. [censored].”

 The article [censored]. If [censored]. [Censored]. It [censored]. [Censored]. 

 “Well,” Anna Lee, BAO Admin Assistant said grimly. “That was a mistake.”

 Seren Seren, BS Resident (every position) was equally pissed off when she found out that [censored]. “[Censored],” she snapped. “[censored].”

 No one spoke to anyone for a day or two, although Seren was said to have talked herself out of most of her own snit and dropped off a note of apology at the [censored]. [Censored] approached Seren and Lee the next day, admitting that [censored]. [Censored] apparently got over it about the same time Seren did, as [censored] smiled and nodded across the DFAC at about the same time Seren held up her hand in a peace sign.

 “Shit,” Lee said, letting out a sigh. “I’m glad that’s over.” ◙


Resident Engineers Prepare to Engage in Engagement Strategy

 A base in the south, Iraq     Resident Engineers are preparing to engage in an engagement regarding Colonel Jeep’s Engagement Strategy. An engineer’s conference has been scheduled in McAdamsville for the coming week.

 “Contrary to unanimous desires,” Tom ‘Tommy Two-tone’, BAO Area Engineer, told his staff of RE’s, “this is not an optional engagement.”

 Boss Tom, LTCCorviday (MRO), Mark ‘Wo-wo’ Wospecki (BRO), CDR Skip (BCH), Wildman Rob Chillish (OAO), and Seren Seren (sometimes acting BSRO)  attended a preparatory engagement on Friday, to discuss engaging themselves in the Engagement Strategy. LTC ‘Slasher’ Baldrick led the engagement, until it became clear that he was making stuff up, at which point LTC Corviday respectfully engaged him in a polite pissing match.

 LTC Corviday won the pissing engagement, successfully pushing a serious workload, rightfully and appropriately, back onto Slasher’s desk. Slasher had tried to bluff the RE’s into taking on responsibility for the engagement of the strategy portion of the Engagement Strategy, which is clearly the responsibility of someone engaged at a higher level – namely, the Slasher.

 When asked exactly what this Engagement Strategy was all about, BAO Area Engineer Tom ‘Tommy Two-tone’ replied, “It’s really just a plan used to plan the implementation of a plan.”

 “It’s an overplan,” Seren explained.

 “Yes!” Tommy Two-tone cried triumphantly. “It’s overplanning.”

 Shortly after the Friday engagement, Seren told Boss Tom that she was opting out of the conference, having decided not to engage. Seren, not a real Resident Engineer, had signed on to attend the engagement only as an observer.

 Her announcement, made at the dinner table shared by Dan Driery (PRO) and LTC Corviday (MRO), triggered a series of engagements with Boss Tom: Dan immediately offered to let Seren take his place at the conference, while he stayed at the BAT Camp to engage in catching up on RMS delinquencies. Tom said no. LTC Corviday then offered to stay behind in Seren’s place so that he could engage in completing all the work that’s piled up since he spent five days in Maysan, then four more days sicker than a dog. Tom said no.

 Tommy Two-tone is expected to engage in some stress management exercises prior to engaging his RE’s in the engagement in McAdamsville this week. “I’m the boss of an eclectic group,” he said pensively. “They’re right on the edge and I don’t really have much control over them.” Asked if he was worried that they might engage in a way that makes him look bad, he edged around the question, saying only that “they engage in engagements on their own terms. I think they may have their own engagement strategy.”

 Asked whether he minded that Seren had pulled herself out of engaging in the engagement, Tommy Two-tone perked up. “No!” he said smiling. “This makes me feel a little bit more optimistic about the outcome of this engagement!”

 When it was pointed out that he still had Driery, Corviday and Chillish on the engagement roster, his smile faded. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, it could still be an unexpectedly entertaining engagement.” ◙


  (In)Convenience of Centralized Printer Proves Pointless

 BAT Camp, Iraq    The single printer used by the BAO office, centrally located by LTC ‘Slasher’ Baldrick for equal (in)convenience to all employees, has been on the fritz off and on for two days, delaying productive work efforts.

 It was hoped that IT Specialist Mad Andy could solve the problem, but he could not be found in his office. Although some searchers thought they heard a small distant voice calling from beneath 416 boxes filled with computer cords, 6 hours of digging has not produced definitive conclusions as to whether it’s really Andy calling out for help, or UFO signals caught and transmitted by the cumulative mass of electrical material in the office.

 The frustration of BAO employees left hanging without a printer was quickly evident. “First the delay caused by having to walk practically from here to Baghdad to pick up one sheet of paper off the printer,” Wildman Rob Chillish complained to reporters, “and now this. It’s always something, you know? Baldrick, COL Jeep, Ramadan, mortars, suicide bombers  – something is always messing things up. You know,” he said, “that reminds me of a story – “

 “NO!” Four panicky voices shouted over cubicle walls.

 “Listen,” Mark ‘Wo-wo’ Wospecki, BRO Alamo Road Project Engineer, said. “Listen, there’s always some work we can do, even without a printer. There’s plenty of work here that doesn’t require a printer. For instance, I know I can go out to Alamo Road. Personally, I know that I can use this time to go out to Alamo Road and check on the bitimmum [sic] situation.”

 A rescue squad was dispatched to IT Andy’s office trailer late Friday.

 “We’ll find Andy,” LTC Slasher Baldrick assured BAO employees. “In the meantime, this might be a good time to engage in a meeting to discuss engaging in the Engagement Strategy.”

 Three resident engineers and Tommy Two-tone were all seen disappearing quietly out the back door before Slasher had finished speaking. ◙


George Ordered to HQ Post Haste

 BAT Camp, Iraq    George of the Jungle, Logistics, returned to Shirleyville rather abuptly upon receiving orders that he was desperately needed as a punching bag for HQ.

 “They finally got bored with beating on each other,” George explained. “They just need new meat.”

 “And I can take it,” he told his friends at the BAT Camp. “I can’t wait!” he said with real relish. “Bring it on! I’ll eat them alive! Edithville, here I come!”

 Asked how he felt about losing George to Edithville, LTC ‘Slasher’ Baldrick privately told reporters that he would not miss George at all. “The man is too competent,” Kenny admitted. “He knows his stuff, and it makes me look even more foolish than I am. I’m just not comfortable with that.”

 “That being said,” Slasher added, “George was enjoying himself too much here at the BAT Camp. He was getting just a little bit too comfortable, and was just a little bit too close to the people that I feel the most uncomfortable with here in this camp – namely Corviday, Seren, Lee, and Camp Manager Spike. They all get together, and they laugh,” Slasher explained. “It makes me very nervous because I always think that they’re laughing about me. I don’t mind punishing George for that. The rest of them?” he said smiling broadly, “I think I can win them over. I think they secretly like me a lot. I’m a good person,” Slasher said. “I care about people, and the residents here appreciate that.”

 “Hooah,” someone muttered behind his back. “Friggin’ hooah!”

 George left the BAT camp before his work in Basrah was finished. The Mahdi militia weapons inventory was less than half complete, Seren Seren’s (BS Resident Office – all positions) Nana Pacific laptop computers still linger in an inconvenient logistics netherworld, and Anna Lee (BAO Admin Asst) estimates that she needs approximately 189 additional hours with George in order to even begin to understand what the hell he needs her to do with the BAO property that they’ve already spent 396.2 hours inventorying.

 George was given a heartwarming send off the night before he left, wherein each Ghurka guard bowed down low before George and then slashed his knees lightly with their knives in a show of respect. Donning his oversized US military uniform the following day, no one even noticed the bloodstains until he pointed them out.

 Dan Dan the Charming Man, based in a Edithville suburb, is said to have taken George in when he arrived, and the two men now share an office. “He gave me a loaf of fresh-baked bread,” Dan told reporters. “It’s not a free ride.”

 Sources say George spent his first evening in Edithville sitting cross-legged in the middle of the street, a  British flag wrapped around his shoulders, broken plastic eating utensils in his hands, swaying slightly and muttering to himself.

 Asked if he knew anymore about George’s state of mind that first night, Dan Dan the Charming Man shrugged. “The only words I caught had to do with bar codes …” he said, preoccupied with biting off a large mouthful of fresh bread. “I’d offer you some of this,” he added politely, obviously savoring the treat, ”but I spit all over it just a minute ago.” He smiled, winked, and turned away, heading off in the general direction that George was last seen. ◙


 [Censored] Reveals Tush

 BAT Camp, Iraq  [censored], [censored] crew member, flashed his ass at Anna Lee, Admin Assistant, and Seren Seren, BS Resident Office (every position) two weeks ago, randomly and completely without provocation.

 “We were just sitting around outside, about ready to walk over to dinner,” Seren said. “[censored] showed up, we exchanged a few laughs …. “

 “Suddenly,” Anna Lee explained, “[censored] just turned around and pulled down [censored] pants, flashing [censored] lily white ass at us!”

 Asked if that wasn’t embarrassing to the ladies, Anna let out with a peal of laughter. “Oh yeah,” she agreed, “it was excruciating!”

 “Ladies?” Seren said with an innocently straight face. “Joan and Jody weren’t here yet, remember?”

 When it was suggested the women could file a sexual harassment complaint against [censored], they both rolled their eyes and walked away. ◙


 New Employees Arrive: Socks Not Fat

 A base in the south, Iraq Three new employees arrived at the Basrah Area Office this past week. Although the Bestest Children’s Hospital was slated to claim Jimmy Socks, it turns out Jimmy isn’t tall enough or fat enough to fit in well with BCH staff.

 “We did think about taking him anyway,” Skip, BCH boss, said in a private conversation. “But we really felt like it wasn’t the right thing to do at this time. It’s still early in the project, so we really don’t have to take just any old person comes along. Frankly,” he said decisively, “we can afford to wait for someone who’s unusually tall or pretty fat.”

 Joan something-or-other, another new arrival, is very fat, as it turns out. As a contracting agent, she was going to have an office on the BRO wing of the office. “But she’s just too fat,” Anna Lee, Admin Assistant said in a low voice, glancing around her to be sure no one could overhear the conversation. “We took one look at her and knew she wouldn’t fit over here.”

 “We would never be able to shrink her enough,” Seren Seren, BS Resident Office (everything) pointed out. “It’s a logistical problem, nothing personal. Look, we just can’t fit her into the shrink machine.”

 “I told Boss Tom as soon as I saw her,” Anna Lee said, referring to Tom ‘Tommy Two-tone, BAO Area Engineer. “I told him ‘she sits on the BCH side.’ He didn’t argue with me.”

 “He saw that look in her eye,” LTC Corbin Corviday, MRO Resident Engineer, told one reporter in an aside. “Tom’s no fool. He knew there wasn’t anywhere to go with that one. Not with Anna.”

 Joan what’s-her-name was given a nice desk in the BCH wing of the building.

 “We can accommodate her,” Skip stated pleasantly. “Although she won’t technically be on our staff, she fits right in. She’s fat enough that it feels like she fits right in.”

 Mark ‘Wo-wo’ Wospecki, BRO Project Engineer, was pleased that the BCH passed up Jimmy Socks. “I can use Jimmy on my staff,” Wo-wo admitted. “I tell you what,” he said. “I tell you what – I used to be a resident engineer. When I arrived here, that’s what I thought I would be – Resident Engineer. But this Alamo Road project has completely swallowed me up. I spend all my time dealing with bitimmum [sic] on the Alamo Road project, acting as Project Engineer. I’ll be honest with you,” Wo-wo continued. “Listen. I’m pleased to have Jimmy added to my staff, because now we can share the workload of the Alamo Road project. Now there can be two of us completely consumed by the bitimmum [sic] issue. I don’t feel quite so alone. I won’t feel quite so alone with Jimmy helping me out.”

 Asked how he felt about the addition of Socks to the BRO staff, BRO Construction Rep ‘Just too Jivin’ Jake was characteristically upbeat, and irritatingly sincere. “Um, I think it’s great?” Jake chirped with the typical Pacific Northwest intonation that turns every sentence into a question. “I think we needed more help in BRO? Um,” he said smiling his smarmy smile, “I think Mike will be very glad to get the help? I know I’m doing my best, and learning really fast? But this way Mark will not be quite so busy, and … um, I may get a little more help from him? Since this job is still new to me, and I’ve still got a lot to learn? I’m looking forward to working alongside Jimmy,” he finally, blessedly concluded.

 The third arrival, Jody somebody-or-other is too skinny to work from the BCH side of the office. She’ll be replacing Joy Maxon at the front desk, however, so BRO agreed to let her set up an office on their side of the house as a temporary measure.

 “We might like her,” Anna Lee admitted. “But we’re not comfortable committing ourselves yet.”

 “We don’t want to be really nice and outgoing right away,” Seren Seren agreed. “Because then if she turns out to be really obnoxious, it would be harder to avoid her at meals later on.”

 Anna Lee nodded. “That’s right,” she affirmed. “We’ll be nice to her, but we may not want to have to do that all the time.”

 Tom ‘Tommy Two-tone’, BAO Area Engineer, seemed indifferent to the additions to his staff. “Well,” he said in a rare  moment of candor, “they can’t be much weirder or more difficult than what we’ve got.” He eyed COL Corviday, Seren, SGT Wavey Davey, and Lee. He shifted slightly and eyed Wo-wo and ‘Just too Jivin’ Jake. “We kind of walk the edge here,” he observed neutrally. “We can probably accommodate just about anyone as long as they don’t have to interact with each other.” ◙


 BAT Camp Food Details Fudged

 BAT Camp, Iraq  Although most residents agree that, overall, food at the BAT Camp couldn’t be better, petty complaints seem to have rocked the kitchen’s confidence. Small voices of dissatisfaction started the night they served everything curried – fish, chicken, and mutton.

 “I hate curry,” more than one American resident was heard to mutter sourly as they loaded plates high with side dishes like garlic roasted new potatoes, green salad with fresh bleu cheese, caviar, water biscuits, fresh strawberries, and blueberry cheesecake drowning in whole milk custard.

 Since that evening, complaints have multiplied. Residents are demanding small packets of honey at every meal, cold skim milk for their cereal in the morning, green leaf lettuce instead of head lettuce, cappuccino in the afternoons, duck a l’orange twice a week, and tiramisu for dessert at the evening repast in addition to the two cakes, ice cream, and various cookies currently offered.

 These complaints have shaken the kitchen, causing consternation and a nervous tension that has resulted in such poor decisions as a lunch that included curried chicken and tough steaks.

 “Everyone needs to calm down,” Camp Manager Spike Abbott counseled. “Just relax.” Abbott said the curried everything meal wase an aberration. “It won’t happen again,” he assured residents.

 “Listen,” Mark Wo-wo’ Wospecki, BRO Aspen Road Project Manager, added, holding one hand out with palm facing reporters as if to hold them back. “Listen. Everyone needs to realize that the cooks are doing their best. They’re doing the best they can under trying circumstances. This is a war zone. We have to remember there’s a war going on here. I for one think they’re doing an exceptional job. They’re doing an excellent job and we have to remember that.”

 “Yeah,” Just Too Jivin’ Jake, BRO ConRep chirped, voice rising on the last word of every sentence as if it were a question. “Um, they’re good people? I think they’re doing a really good job? Um, I think we’re very lucky?”

 “Is that a question?” Anna Lee, BAO Admin Assistant asked, leaning over to ask LTC Corbin Corviday, Maysan AO Resident Engineer.

 “Don’t get too close to me,” Corviday said, “I might be contagious.” He then sighed very deeply, stared off into the middle distance and added, “I miss the sack lunches at the hospital. They served the same sack lunches at lunch and dinner,” he explained. “They weren’t bad.”

 “We haven’t had shrimp for a week,” Seren Seren, BS Resident Office Resident Engineer/Project Engineer/Construction Rep/COR, whispered to Spike. Spike gave her a dirty look and turned to Corviday for sympathy. Corviday sighed again, deeply, staring off into the far distance without answering anyone.

Spike Abbott, fed up with the whining, later got on the radio to George of the Jungle, Logistics, who was recently hijacked by Edithville. George is known to have some mysterious authority over key BAT Camp residents.

Shortly afterward, Anna and Seren received an email from George.

“Quit sniveling,” George ordered. “Get to work.”

“He just doesn’t know,” Anna Lee responded somewhat petulantly. “He doesn’t remember what it’s like. He’s up there in Edithville eating cardboard with plastic utensils now … he just doesn’t remember what it’s like to expect to live with some decent standards.”

“The details matter,” LTC ‘Slasher’ Baldrick commented when interviewed about the issue. “You can take care of the big things, and operations will run smoothly, but, that being said, if you don’t pay attention to the most minute details, everything can get away from you. It’s important that people know that we take these complaints seriously,” he assured residents. “I will personally be supervising the kitchen from now on, and rest assured, we will come up with a strategic plan to address these issues.”

That being said, MAJ Zeb Brighton was caught harassing the kitchen crew again last night, demanding that cold skim milk be available for evening meals as well as breakfast.

“We’re taking all these complaints seriously,” Spike told reporters with a straight face, although rolling his eyes at the same time made his statement somewhat suspect.

“And Slasher will harass my staff over my dead body,” he added with a smile that never reached his sexy eyes.

Apparently holding a bit of a grudge, and irritable from being woken in the middle of the night by residents who’ve locked themselves out of their rooms, Spke was later was seen throwing rocks at Seren as she rounded the corner of a building on her way to the DFAC.

“He’s mean,” Seren told reporters. “You’d never guess by looking at those eyes, but he can be a very mean person.” ◙


Disease Worsens

 A base in the south, Iraq     LTC Kenny ‘Slasher’ Baldrick’s recently diagnosed case of Officerensis foolishii has apparently worsened in the weeks since it was last reported. (See Issue 2: Cot Cutter Colonel, Bat Camp BAO Offices Centralize on One Side of Building, ‘Slasher’ Baldrick Bans Eye Candy, ‘Slasher’ Wants Camp to be Aesthetically Pleasing, Sgt Major Hubbard Catches the Bug; and Issue 3: Palace Visiting Scholar Ordered to Remove Boxes from Office). In the latest instance exemplifying the horrible effects of this disease, Slasher ordered Ray-Ray ‘Rayban’ Rivera, Oil Office Con Rep, to run back to his hooch during a mortar attack.

Ray was in his office last week at about 5:15 am when incoming rounds hit within the base perimeter, shaking the office trailers. Seren Seren, BS Resident Office Resident Engineer/Project Engineer/Construction Rep/COR was also in the office at the time. Both BAO employees donned their battle rattle and hunkered down on the floor for awhile. After ten or fifteen minutes, although no ‘all clear’ was sounded, they sat back up at their desks and got to work. Seren kept her vest and helmet on, while Rivera took his helmet off.

 The two were discovered there by LTC Baldrick approximately half an hour later. Although Slasher wisely ignored Seren, Rayban was called in to the Lt. Colonel’s office and told that if the base receives incoming and Ray is in the office, he must run back to his hooch immediately.

 “Sir?” Rayban blurted out in stunned surprise upon receiving the order. “Run outside? While the mortars are coming in?”

 “Yes,” Slasher told him. “You’re safer in your hooch.”

Speechless, Rivera merely nodded vaguely and wandered out of Slasher’s office in a stupified daze. He was corralled by Seren, who led him out to the back patio for some fresh air, where Rivera quickly recovered his wits. When he told Seren what Slasher had ordered them to do in the future, Seren fell off the chair laughing, hitting her head on the nearby Hesco barrier. Luckily, she was wearing her helmet at the time.

 In an eerie repeat performance three days later, Slasher ordered IT Mad Andy to return to his office in the middle of another mortar attack.

 “I was in the main office,” Mad Andy explained in an aggrieved voice, “trying to fix a printer… well, that’s another story …” (see p. 2 [In]Convenience of Centralized Printer Proves Pointless).  Mad Andy frowned before recovering his concentration and getting on with the details. “Anyway, mortars exploded, and I started to get down on the floor… My PPE gear was in my office, but I wasn’t going to run outside to get it. That would be stupid!” he explained reasonably. “But I had just gotten onto the floor, and the colonel came walking down the aisle. He asked me where my gear was  … “

 Apparently ignorant of the seriousness of Baldrick’s case of Officerensis foolishii, Mad Andy ‘fessed right up and told Slasher that his gear was in his office trailer.

 “Well go get it!” Slasher ordered energetically, clearly excited by the thrill of what passes for him as combat.

 “What – NOW?” Mad Andy cried in surprise.

 “Yes! Yes!” Slasher replied impatiently. “Hurry up! We don’t want you to get hurt or killed!”

 After a moment of stunned speechlessness, Mad Andy turned to Anna Lee and Seren Seren and said weakly, “So – let me get this right. Run on outside while the mortars are falling?”

 Seren and Lee were apparently laughing too hard to answer.

 “It’s a disease,” Lee told reporters later. “You can’t hardly get mad at him sometimes, because he just can’t help himself, really.” Every time the two women looked at each other, they broke down laughing again.

 When reporters asked if anyone had confronted the Lt Colonel about getting treatment for this disease before he got someone killed, MAJ Zeb Brighton, Slasher’s right hand man, scowled. “We’ve got this covered,” he said firmly. “There isn’t any need to report this to anyone. We can handle it,” he assured the press.

 “Handle this,” Joy Maxon, Admin Assistant, muttered darkly, flipping Zeb the bird behind his back. ◙



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